Tobacco Tales

February 28th, 2008

Daily Spirit

Wally Rogers

The time has come to let our voices be heard again. If you remember correctly, the last time you heard from us here at the Daily Spirit, we had just overcome a ninja robot  menace, and The Smoker had just reappeared after having gone missing for two months. At that time, I, Wally Roger, promised that we here at the Spirit would continue to update you on the rebuilding of Spirit City, as well as discover where The Smoker had been.

Then something terrible happened. It is still as hard to mention as it is to think about. We were bought by a large corporation and closed down for “restructuring.” I could not believe it, and I am smart enough to know that something was not quite on the level, so I took it with grace, but immediately set out to get to the bottom of this whole shady deal. As owner and Editor-in-Chief of this paper, I knew it was up to me to make sure that I got my company back and saved the jobs of my trusty reporters.

I cannot discuss the details of the case as I signed a confidentiality agreement for reasons that must remain secret. Just know, dear readers, that we are back in business  and I do have some information on The Smoker’s absence, which I will share with you soon.

For now, though, welcome back. I look forward to providing you with news of all Spirit City’s goings ons.

Tags: , Conspiracy, Daily Spirit, fake news, the Smoker

December 17th, 2007

Wally Rogers

A lot has been happening in Spirit City as of late, and as a result the Daily Spirit has been out of production, and for that I must apologize. It is the Daily Spirit’s mission to bring you the latest and great happenings from Spirit City. It is our responsibility to inform the people of the world what goes on in this weird and wonderful city, and we have failed miserably in the last two months. Though I guess that is to be expected when the world comes close to ending.

For those who have been living under rocks: The Smoker disappeared October 21st, 2007 and only resurfaced December 15th, 2007. That’s right, folks, Spirit City, and indeed the rest of the world, was without the Smoker for two months. In that time, ninjas over-ran Spirit City and turned it into a den of danger and vice. Opium dens, cock-fighting, street brawls all ravaged the city. Buildings burned and people were murdered without rhyme or reason.

Without the Smoker it was up to us citizens of Spirit City to defend ourselves. And we did a mighty fine job, if I do say so myself. Sure we lost our first skirmishes with the ninja horde, but we learned important lessons from those defeats. Lessons like The Ninja League has added a new weapon to its arsenal: the ninja robot. They look and act like normal human ninjas, but they are stronger and even more agile than the average ninja.

They do have a design flaw, though, and once we discovered this, the ninja robots were really no problem to deal with. I know I will catch a lot of flak from my readers, but I am not going to reveal the design flaw. I do this in the interests of humanity because while we were able to beat the ninjas this time, there is no telling when next they will strike, and we need every advantage available to us.

I do not want to make it sound like once we found the flaw we ran through the ninjas like a hot knife through butter because that is not the case. In fact, we were more like a rusty pair of scissors trying to cut a flaying piece of twine. Our efforts were just enough though, so that when the Smoker returned he was able to mop the ninja robots up no problem. It was amazing to watch him punch through ninja after ninja, leaving their smoking circuitry  scattered all over the city.

It took us six weeks to organize a strong enough resistance to go against the ninjas and their new weapon and another two weeks to really start fighting back. It took the Smoker a little over twelve hours to get rid of the last trace of ninja robots. At least for now.

And where was the Smoker? That’s anyone’s guess right now, but rest assured dear readers that the Daily Spirit will pursue that story until we get it.

Until next time; it’s good to be back and I hope that everyone in this city helps each other to overcome the tragic outcome of the ninja attack.

Tags: comedy, disaster, fake news, satire, smoking, Spirit City, super heroes, the Smoker, Wally Rogers

Here is something I stumbled across, and since it has to do with smoking I figured this was the appropriate site for it.

http://www.yahoo.com/s/717407

Tags: , lung cancer, psa, smoking, Star Wars

Daily Spirit

October 17th

Wally Rogers

Todd Frost, aka the Smoker, has done it again. While Spirit City still reels from the food riots that occurred on the 14th of this month, Frost has announced that his multi-billion dollar corporation, Spirit Sticks Corp, is going to help the city recover from the chaos. How is Spirit Corp going to help? With money, of course, but this is no paltry $50 (the award given  out by the city to each resident over the age of eighteen); it is real money. Money that can help us recover and rebuild. 

In a statement given to the Daily Spirit representatives of Spirit Stick Corp said: 

“What happened on Sunday was quite possibly one of the biggest disasters that our city has had to face. Only the ninja uprising of 1982 comes close, and even that unfortunate incident did not produce as many casualties as the food riots earlier this week did. We here at Spirit Corp recognize that the people of Spirit City have had a great disservice done to them. Not only have they lost access to fast food, but the parks and green areas that suddenly popped up in their place were destroyed during the riots. We understand that the impact on the city goes far beyond just the loss of restaurants and new park areas. Thousands of people lost their jobs due to the events that unfolded on the 14th, and hundreds lost their lives and loved ones.

“To help ease the burden placed upon us all by this horrific event, Spirit Sticks Corp. is donating 1.2million dollars to Spirit City over the next five years. Also, we will oversee reconstruction efforts so that the city’s fast food industry can be up and running again soon. In the interim, Spirit Sticks will provide coffee and food stations throughout Spirit City. This program will begin October 19th, and should be fully up and running by Monday, October 22.

We here at Spirit Sticks want the residents of Spirit City to know that we care about them, and that we will do our best to ensure the healing process is as painless as possible.”

This is an amazing thing Mr. Frost is doing, and I for one commend his efforts and his willingness to help this city that he obviously cares about. Unfortunately, I know this will not silence his critics. They will still claim that Spirit Sticks is only in it for the good public relations, and that if they really cared about this city, they would not make such harmful products.

To those critics I say: Get over yourselves, and just admit that even a company that makes its money off of a deadly product can do something for the community simply through a sense of community service. Yes, cigarettes are harmful, but does that mean Spirit Sticks should be crucified whenever they try to do something good for the people of this city?

I would like to extend my personal thanks to Spirit Sticks Corp, and Mr.Frost for their generous offer and efforts to help the city.

Tags: , Cigarette Companies, cigarettes, comedy, community service, Daily Spirit, disaster, fake news, heroes, opinion, public relations, public service, reconstruction efforts, riots, satire, Spirit Sticks, the Smoker, Todd Frost

Daily Spirit

October 14

Amanda Smith

Residents of Spirit City awoke to a not-so-pleasant surprise this morning. Thousands of commuters found that they could not get breakfast or coffee on the go. That’s right. Every single fast food restaraunt in the whole of Spirit City has disappeared. In their steads are only empty lots filled with plants and trees. It is as if two hundred small parks sprung up over the city.

The cause of this phenomenon is still unknown, but the results are quite clear. Upon finding out that they were deprived of their main food source the people rioted. It started off as just honking and yelling, but it soon escalated.

Charles Wyt, a fifteen year old on his way to school, told the Daily Spirit over the phone what he saw. At the time of the call Charles was in Spirit County Hospital, suffering from mild scrapes and abrasions.

“It all happened so fast. I was walking to the Taco Burger, you know to get one of those muffin things, and I looked up and it wasn’t there. It was just trees and plants and a whole lot of cars lined up and stopped.”

Some of the drivers had exited their cars and were mulling around, scratching their heads in wonderment.

“I heard lots of folks ask what was going on,” Charles told me, “this one lady in particular. She just kept screaming `What happened? What the hell happened?’” At this point, things turned violent at the corner of 17th and Yately. “Someone told the woman to shut up, but she just kept screaming, so this one guy–he was wearing a blue suit–smacked her in the face and she fell down. I think he broke her nose.”

That was when all hell broke loose. The string of events is hard to piece together, but based on Charles’ and others’ eye-witness accounts, it is clear that that first punch set tragic events in motion. The rest of the group turned on each other, some of them actively attacking random bystanders, and others shoving people out of the way in a desperate attempt to return to their vehicles.

Those still in their cars saw what was happening and tried to drive off, apparently without realizing there was no place to go. They bumped into each other, laying on their horns as they did so. Some of them tried to pull away from the deadlock, but only succeeded in running down some bystanders before they had to stop.

“It was stupid. Those people were stupid,” Adrian Grant, a thirty five year old businessman who was on his way to the bus stop when the riot broke out. “The drivers in those cars, they had nowhere to go so they decided to drive into a crowd of eighty people. Didn’t they realize they could hurt those people? Weren’t they smart enough to know that there was not enough room to pick up sufficient speed to get through the crowd? It was a stupid waste of life.”

A stupid wasts of life, indeed, and the chaos was not contained to 17th and Yately. Similar riots erupted at each of the 187 fast food chain locations in the city, and they soon spread from their point of origin.

The riot on 17th and Yately spread all the way to 23rd and Wall, leaving a trail of broken glass, burnt cars, and dead bodies in its wake. More than three hundred people were killed or injured in the two and a half hours that the rioting lasted. SWAT teams, fire fighters, and rent-a-cops all showed up on the scene and attempted to contain the violence, but they had little success.

That was when the Smoker arrived on the scene, and made short work of the rioters. His first course of action was to get as many wounded as he could out of the way, whisking them off to various hospitals and clinics within the city. Then he came back for those involved in violent acts.

“He just swooped in and cleaned everything up,” Marvin Delgado, a bystander hiding underneath a dump truck told the Daily Spirit. “It was awesome. At one moment there was like a thousand people all fighting and hurting each other, then it was all over.”

Not quite, as there were still several other riots threatening to consume the city. The Smoker visited each one, enacting the same tactics he used on the one that started at 17th and Yately. His efforst allowed the more conventional police and fire forces to get a handle on the situation and restore order to the chaos.

Faced with public panic and outrage, Spirit City Mayor James O’Malley, has declared that tomorrow will be a no work day for the city’s denizens. That’s right, there is to be no working tomorrow, unless you work for the government.

“October 15 will be a day of rest and recuperation for our fine city. Representatives of the city’s emergency services will be roaming the streets, handing out foodstuff and blankets. Also, it is my hope that each citizen with a bank account, will receive $50 directly deposited into their accounts. I know this is not a lot of money, but it is the least your government can do for you in hopes of making today’s tragedy easier to bear.”

Thank you Mr. Mayor, but you are right when you say that $50 is not much money. In fact, how much good will that money do us the day after tomorrow when the fast food places are still gone? How does the city plan on addressing this matter in a meaningful manner? How are you going to find out who is responsible for this outrage?

All I can say is that I am grateful for the Smoker’s presence in the city today. It is times like these that should remind us all that the Smoker is a friend of the city. He is here to protect us when the police cannot. So, to all of his critics out there, I say: get over yourselves and admit that we need this great man.

Oh, and where was the new team in town today? After all, the Health Brigade said that they were here to help the city, but when we needed them the most, they were nowhere to be seen. I can’t say that I am surprised, though. Super people come and go in this city all the time, and that is why I will stick with the true hero of Spirit City: the Smoker.

Tags: catastrophe, cigarettes, Daily Spirit, fake news, fast food, food riots, health, Health Brigade, heroes, smoking, Spirit City, Spirit Sticks, the Smoker

The Daily Spirit 

October 13

Wally Rogers 

During the Annual Firefighter Appreciation Parade, the Smoker made a surprise guest appearance. The parade started at 8:30 am at Roost and 5th, and ended at 12:30 near Roost and 25th, in front of the newest firehouse in Spirit City. Somewhere neat Roost and 13th, a hunch-backed man dressed in a black suit with a white tie limped past the ticker tape, and approached one of the many floats cascading down the street. Police and security saw the man and tried to detain him, but before they could reach him, he produced a cigarette and lit up, instantly turning into this city’s beloved protector: The Smoker.

The parade slowed to a crawl when its participants saw who was on hand. Cheers of approval came from the thousands gathered along the sides of the street, and hundreds of firfighters removed their helmets and held them up, shouting for joy. It was quite a sight to behold, especially given the fact that the Smoker is not prone to public appearances just for the sake of public appearances.

It was good to see him there though. It is nice to know that no matter how the city is treating him (right now they are trying to conduct an investigation into Todd Frost’s–his alter ego–business practices) he still cares about the people and wants them to know that they have his support.

When the cheering subsided, he made a short speech.

“People of Spirit City,” he began, “we are here today to honor some of the finest and bravest men and women in the city. It warms my heart to see all of you here in a show of support for some of the true heroes of this city. You have their thanks, I’m sure, and my gratitude. I don’t want to take up much more of your time, but I wanted to tell these fine folks that they are doing a great job and to keep up the good work. Thank you, and let’s hear it for these brave firefighters!” There was more cheering, and then the Smoker flew off to somewhere else in the city, the sound of frantic cheering heralding his departure.

The parade consisted of nearly thirty floats, a marching band, fifteen fire engines, and a showcasing of the best Dalmatians from all of the firehouses in the city. Despite all of that, the one thing that got people the most excited was the Smoker’s appearance, which just goes to show that no matter what people say, Spirit City loves the Smoker.

I too, love the Smoker and am glad that he is here in our fair city to protect us. But, I wish that he had stayed around a little longer at the fair. He is difficult to contact for interviews, and this was the perfect opportunity to ask him some questions. But, he would have nothing to do with that, and flew off before any member of the press could get a chance to talk to him. I guess that is good, though, since it makes his actions seem a little more sincere and not just a way to grab the headlines, which of course he did anyway.

Daily Spirit

October 10, 2007

Steven Glass

Watch out Smoker, there’s a new team in town, and they don’t get their powers from harmful chemicals. In fact, they are so concerned with being health that they have named themselves The Health Brigade.

As of this moment the Brigade consists of four members: Captain Health (the leader) Fiber Fran, Spinach Stu, and Green Mallory. Their mission: to clean up Spirit City.

I do not know how the rest of Spirit City’s denizens will view this new super team, they just announced their existence today, and did not reveal their true identities nor their powers, but I for one, welcome them. I am sick of The Smoker. I am tired of seeing his flaming red hair, and his smug face everywhere I look. I know that he has done a lot of good for this city, but he hurts us everyday as well.

There is no denying it: The Smoker promotes smoking, especially in the city’s youth. What else would you expect? Kids are impressionable, and they have a history of wanting to be like their heroes. The Smoker is the biggest hero in Spirit City, so it is no wonder that children feel they need to take up smoking to be more like him. I know this sounds ridiculous (aside from the Smoker there has been no documented case of cigarettes bestowing power upon people) but they are children and they do ridiculous things all of the time.

And I don’t buy his anti-smoking campaign. If anything, those posters and tv spots where he tells kids to wait until they are 18 to start smoking are a great public relations ploy. First, they get him off the hook for smoking because he can say that he in fact discourages kids from smoking, and has spent millions of dollars on the poster and television campaign to this effect. Second, they get his face out there. Anyone who lives, in Spirit City, whether they just arrived here or have been living here for years, knows who the Smoker is, and they know that he is a “great hero.”

Never mind the fact that his posters exude patriotism and friendliness. He is that happy stranger, the actor on television whom you know of, but don’t really know. He has a friendly face, fights evil, and often speaks at elementary and high school functions. This is important because his status among the youth is on the rise, and, not coincidentally, so is the rate of teen smokers. Five years ago, when the Smoker started his poster campaign, the number of teens who smoked in Spirit was about 12,000. In the latest study released by the Lung Cancer Association last month the number of teens who smoke is now close to twenty thousand. That is a drastic increase (close to 66%), and it has to be due to the Smoker’s increased visibility. There is no denying the data: Despite his best efforts to condemn it, the Smoker has actually increased underage smoking.

So I welcome the Health Brigade, and I can’t wait to see them in action. I attempted to reach the offices of Todd Frost (the Smoker), but as of this writing they have not returned my phone calls. Captain Health, on the other hand, was more than willing to have a little chat with me.

SG: Thank you for taking the time to talk to me. What inspired you to form this team?

CH: I look around this city every day, and every day I see it slipping further away from its former glory. The crime rate is on the rise, and our local police and government seem incapable of stopping it. They have come to rely on the Smoker for everything, and I have a problem with that?

SG: It’s no secret that I am not a fan of the Smoker, so I have my own opinions and judgements about him and what he does, but what does the Smoker mean to you? That is, how does the Health Brigade plan to operate in this city when it already has a high profile champion?

CH: We’re just going to go out there and help people, but not only on the crime fighting front. Crime stems from misanthropy and poor living conditions. Diet, income, education–all of these play an important role in why someone commits a crime. It is our hope and mission that we can educate people, and show them that there is an alternative to crime. That’s the main problem with the Smoker: he fights the symptoms but not the cause.

SG: What do you mean by that?

CH: When a bad guy shows up, or there is a robbery in progress, or a woman is being attacked in an alley, what does the Smoker do? He swoops in and stops the crime. He beats up the villain, he breaks the robber’s car, he assaults the would-be rapist, but that does nothing to stop crime as a whole. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate what he has done for this city. I, like almost resident of Spirit City, know several people who were rescued by the Smoker, but there has to be a better way.

SG: And the Health Brigade has that better way?

CH: Well, not exactly. I do not want to give the impression that we know what it best for this city, and that it is either our way or now way at all. That is fascism, and we are not fascists. However, we do have progressive ideas that, when implemented, should help to stem the overall crime rate in Spirit City, thereby stopping most crimes before they are even considered. We intend to offer our services to the poorer neighborhood first, and we hope not only to offer them protection, but other essential things like food and clothes. One of Green Mallory’s abilities is to create organic materials out of nowhere. This should help us to provide essential materials to those in need. We have other plans, too.

SG: What are they?

CH: Nothing is set in stone yet, we’ve only been training and planning for a few months, but we hope to start a public campaign similar to the Smoker’s. Only ours will focus on the importance of education and eating right. We are here to help the citizens of Spirit City in all possible ways. It will be tricky at first, but if people give us a chance, I know we can be successful.

SG: Thank you for your time, and I want you to know that you have at least one supporter in me.

CH: Thank you.

The Health Brigade sounds promising, and I truly hope that they can make a difference in our city. If they are successful, we may no longer need the Smoker, and that would be just fine with me.

The Daily Spirit

October 9, 2007

Dear editors, I hope you publish my letter. The things I have to say are important to me and I think that they should be important to other people too. My name is Aaron Walker, and I am twelve years old. My uncle Michael smoked Spirit Sticks and he died last year of lung cancer. My mom smokes Spirit Sticks too, and I am afraid that she is going to die like my uncle. Can you talk to the Smoker for me and get him to save my mom. I know if anyone can help her it is him. Thank you,

Aaron Walker

Editors respond:

Aaron, we here at the Daily Spirit are truly saddened by your story, and we offer our sincerest condolences to you and your mother. Also, we want to say that we are sorry that your mom smokes cigarettes, but we are afraid that we cannot honor your request and talk to the Smoker about this. He is a busy man and does not have time to worry about each individual person. He has larger concerns on his mind; you should respect that, Aaron, and take solace in the fact that even if the Smoker had time to help, there is nothing he can do. Sorry kiddo.

Dear Daily Spirit

I have a bone to pick with your publication. A few weeks ago you published a story about a woman named Marion Hartford. She claimed that she had been impregnated by the Smoker and had given birth to his babies. The article implied that when Marion confronted Mr. Frost with this news he told her that he was very sorry that he could not be there for her and the children, but that he would compensate her nicely. What a load of hooey! I know what really happened, thanks to a close friend who happens to work with the Smoker’s entourage. The Smoker did not act in a polite and dignified manner. Not at all. In fact, according to my sources he lit up a cigarette, blew smoke in her face and then flew off without a word. I would like you to admit that you lied on behalf of Todd Frost and his alter-ego, and I would also like you to tell the truth of the matter. If my resquests are not met, you will be hearing from me again.

Concerned Citizen

 Editors Respond:

Well, Concerned, you are entitled to your beliefs, and it is your right not to trust our reporting, but that does not make you right. We have sources that were there at the scene (Editor in Chief Wally Rogers was among them) so we know our version of events is the correct one. Again, you are entitled to your opinions–we still have free speech after all–but please do not issue vague threats, especially when you do not even having the decency of putting your real name on the letter, it just makes you look like a fool and invalidates whatever you were saying.

Hey Daily Spirit, can you give me the Smoker’s private phone number? He is so HOT, I just want to wrap myself around him. Come on, hook a gal up. And don’t pretend like you’re not going to publish anymore of my letters. You know you will. I am a mainstay of the letter column you know.

Jamie P. Smoker lover

Editors respond: 

Thanks for the letter Jamie, we always appreciate hearing from you. For the millionth, and hopefully the last, time we cannot give you the Smoker’s private line. If you wish to speak to Mr. Frost you must call his office. That phone number can be found in any phone book in town, and don’t be so sure about us continuing to publish your letters, changes are coming, and we are intrigued by the idea of a letter column without Jamie P.

That’s all for now folks, keep those letters coming. 

The Daily Spirit 

October 8, 2007

by Amanda Smith

Spirit City’s super-powered protector, the Smoker, has come under fire recently–no pun intended. Since his first appearance thirty years ago, people have always had problems with the Smoker. They claim that he promotes under-age smoking, violent tendencies among the young, and is responsible for countless collateral casualties during the execution of his superhero duties.

The latest outcry against the Smoker comes from religious groups, who say that the Smoker is an abomination–an affront to God and all his glory. This is not the first time religious factions have attacked the Smoker. After he failed to save a pastor from a burning church in 1978, many religious community leaders mounted a public campaign to banish the Smoker from Spirit City, saying that he intentionally failed to save the pastor. The campaign went nowhere, of course, as it was squashed by lawyers from the Spirit Sticks Cigarette Corp. who used their vast resources to discredit many in the religious community. Among the items used against the anit-Smokers, as they called themselves, were allegations (never substantiated) of improper behavior with little children, stealing from the donation box, and attending church and church functions while intoxicated. 

It was not known at the time why Spirit Sticks took it upon themselves to represent the Smoker during the campaign, but now the reason is clear. The Smoker, it is now well known, is none other than Todd Frost, the billionaire owner of Spirit Sticks and their subsidiaries. Frost made his identity public almost ten years ago, but failed to really give a reason, saying only that it was time people knew who he was. 

After today’s earlier incident with the Surgeon General, prominent religious leaders in the city issued this statement:

“Today’s loss of life is unforgivable, and the destruction done to our fair city is intolerable. It is time for the good people of this city to stand up and show this abomination that he is not a God and that we will not tolerate him. For years, we have suffered in silence while this false god, this idol of something greater, has been among us, saving people, and helping those in need. If he did this without violence or fanfare, we would not feel the need to depose him. But, Mr. Frost is not quiet about his exploits. He poisons children’s minds with his actions, and he poisons their bodies with his cancer sticks. Today’s incident is just the latest example of the danger this man poses. And he is a man, albeit a powerful one, but he is only a man. There is only one God, and he is not named Todd Frost.”

“To those of you,” the statement continues, “who support this monstrosity we have one thing to say. Repent now and renounce the Smoker. Bring God back into your hearts, and help us drive this fiery haired devil out of our city and back into the abyss. Anyone interested in joining our cause should come to the open church at Mayberry Chapel on south Rail street.”

Are these people crazy or what? I know that two people were killed in the Smoker’s fight with the Surgeon General earlier today, and it is true that there was massive property damage, but that is no reason to turn against this great man who has been there for the city every day for the past thirty years. It is a simple fact that when super people fight things get broken and innocents get hurt. It isn’t the Smoker’s fault, though. In fact, he does more good than he could ever do harm.

Just think about it: if the Smoker was not here, how much death and damage would there be? Who would stop Captain Cadaver from pillaging the city? The National Guard has already demonstrated its inability to stop the super-powered threats that face Spirit City each and every day. And as far as the Smoker having a God complex, not once in all my years of covering him have I heard him say anything that leads me to beleive he thinks of himself as a God.

But what about all those posters, and the television spots? Don’t those prove that he represents himself as a god? It’s true that the Smoker does have a high visibility in the media, but no more than say the President, or Snoop Dogg–does that mean they consider themselves Gods (they might, but nobody is mounting campaigns against them claiming they are false deities)?

No, it is easy to see this new campaign against the Smoker as fear manifest. Religious folks, the leaders especially, feel threatened by the Smoker. They are threatened by this man–and he is a man, no matter how extraordinary he is–because he challenges their foundational beliefs. This man can fly, lift buildings, and move at near the speed of sound. The Smoker is the next step in human evolution, and this threatens those who refuse to acknowledge that humans most likely evolved from lower animals like apes.

So do me a favor, and do not go to the meeting that these people are hosting. Show your support for the Smoker, and show him that we still need him here in Spirit City, and not only that but that we appreciate his presence here and are willing to support him.

The Daily Spirit

by Wally Rogers October 8^th, 2007 

Spirit City’s nicotine fueled protector has thwarted the sinister Surgeon General once again. According to early reports, and eyewitness accounts, the fight started Downtown, near Kinky Rose Records, and ended at the harbor. “It was crazy, man,” said twenty three year old Cameron Rhodes. “I was just standing over there,” he points to the crosswalk in front of KRR, at the corner of Geary and Warner. “Then I heard this guy shouting for the Smoker. I turned and saw that flying guy in the doctor coat. The there was this flash of light and a loud explosion.”

Rhodes threw himself on the ground and covered his head, waiting for it to end. Looking at the intersection, the damage caused by the battle is clear. The front of KRR is smashed in, and chunks of asphalt lie scattered through the streets. The street is wet, marking the lingering evidence of broken fire hydrants. The path of destruction continues down Geary Street and further into the city.  

Another witness, who wished to remain anonymous, described the fight: “The Surgeon General came shouting for the Smoker. You know, he called him all kinds of names. Murderer, death-profiteer. You know, the usual.” That was when the Smoker showed up. The witness described him as dressed in a white t-shirt, brown pants and shoes, a gold belt, and flaming red hair. And of course, he was smoking a cigarette. The Smoker did not say anything, “He just swooped right in and smacked the Surgeon guy,” and that was all it took.

The fight was on with the Surgeon General continuing his litany of condemnation of the Smoker, who “just took another drag and smacked the Surgeon again.” Then the two of them slammed into the ground, cracking asphalt, crushing cars, and shattering windows. More words were said, and then they both flew up into the air, fighting all the way to the harbor. It is unclear as to why the Surgeon General attacked the Smoker, though the two do have a history.

The Surgeon General, whose real name is Leonard Freeman, blames the Smoker, multi-billionaire Todd Frost, for the death of his daughter. Frost is the founder and CEO of Spirit Sticks Cigarette Corporations, and Freeman (who is not a doctor) accuses Frost of killing his child because she smoked Spirit Sticks. Frost, of course, has denied any wrongdoing, citing his massive marketing campaign against underage smoking. 

The ads Frost refers to are dubious at best. They do discourage under-age smoking, but they still encourage smoking. One of the posters shows the Smoker, standing in all his glory, the sun shining at his back. His right hand rests on his hip, and his left hand holds a cigarette to his lips. It is an elegant picture of him, and one cannot help but feel a sense of pride and power. At the bottom of the poster reads the caption: “Smoking may make you feel powerful, but it won’t give you super powers. Don’t smoke until you are old enough.” 

Still, the ads are enough to help Frost’s public perception, and thus far Spirit Stick Cigarettes has no been forced to compensate any families for deaths of loved ones who smoked Spirit Sticks.

Of course, his public image is strong mostly due to his being the protector of the city. After all it is hard, even for his staunchest detractors, to condemn a man for taking lives when he saves so many more in a day than he supposedly kills in a year. 

It should be noted that Frost, in the guise of the Smoker, has also called for his super-powered foes not to attack him in the borders of Spirit City. His official request, which was printed in this fine publication, said, “I will fight any and all villains who wish to battle me. I just ask that, for the sake of the citizens of Spirit City, we take the fighting outside of the city.” A noble gesture, to be sure, but one that is all too often ignored by those with a grudge against the Smoker, which always results in scenes similar to today’s destruction. 

Today’s path of destruction led to the harbor, where in the final heat of battle, the Smoker threw the Surgeon General through a schooner and into the water. When the Surgeon failed to rise from the bay, Frost hovered over the water, and making sure not to get his cigarette wet, reached into the water and pulled Freeman’s unconscious body out of the water, resting it on the docks before flying away. 

 The police arrived shortly thereafter, arrested the Surgeon General, and are currently holding him at Pentsworth Maximum Security Prison where he awaits trial for the murder of three tobacco executives two months ago.